A Truthful Heart

Proverbs 3:5

My mind is racing. My one-way flight to Maui departs in less than 48 hours. I am so thankful for this space to vent. The question tonight is this: "Is it sad that I can already visualize crying myself to sleep in Maui??" 

Allow me to explain. . .

I have had plenty of time to mentally prepare for the move to Hawai'i. However, I have not had the relaxed confidence (or contentment, I can't decide which word to use here) to fully explain to ALL family, friends and others what this move actually means for me. To be honest, I have been astonished by the responses to the update, perhaps completely surprised. I guess I assumed the reactions would be different.  It has caused me to take another look at the whole process, which I look forward to digesting more as time passes. After two weeks in Texas, maybe the most common reaction I heard was, "Wow! Maui is beautiful! When can we visit?"

The truth is, I'm quite nervous. I am leaving my family all over again and putting distance between some very meaningful relationships. I hardly know anyone in Maui, also not very familiar with the surroundings or have all the comforts and securities of calling the shots. Granted, I know I sound like a mess. But in my heart, I know this is a healthy fear. 

Even though I don't expect everyone to understand my motive in this, it must be voiced. I have had significant time to think about the very purpose of the journey. In fact, I have had enough time to think of why I am not going either. It goes something like this: 

I am not departing so I can live next to the roaring waves; I am not hoping to merely drag my feet in the sand; I am not moving to see how tan my body can get; I am not reaching to catch rainbows. As wonderful and enticing as each scenario sounds, they are nothing more than light and fluffy complements to my goal. Quite honestly, I am after one thing: to know what it means to entirely NEED God. 

This passion to need God jumped in my life at the end of May 2010. It came at me strong. I began to consider if being homeless would help me understand what this need meant. At least in my life, I have become complacent with my walk in various ways. Have I lost my faith? No. But am I a hypocrite? Yes! - because my demonstration does not always match my proclamation. Do I take most things for granted? Yes! - while the majority of the world suffers without. Do I turn from those in need? Yes! - while I sleep in my comfortable bed in my safe house with warm water and electricity. Am I calling that a sin? Not necessarily, but in my own life, I have lost sight of what it means to need God. And that my friends, is what I am after. My hope and prayer is that I may fall helplessly in need of God in every aspect of my life. 

In Colossians 1:15, it reads that "Jesus Christ is the visible image of the invisible God." This is what I will lean on. To better know God, I will look at Jesus. To understand how to share that with others, I will study the teaching's of Jesus. To better know how to completely, unconditionally and solely rely on God, I will turn to Jesus in the darkest of nights, the strangest of times and the most unholy of rebellion. In that same breath, I am not afraid to cry in Maui. 

Pray for me on this journey. It is better not to go alone.